17 years. So
much can happen in 17 years. Today I
looked at my phone and was reminded it is October 1st. Do you remember where you were October 1st
1998? For many of you, you were very,
very young. For me, I was 28 years
old. Had been on top of the world. Had found out a month before that my husband
and I were expecting our first child. We
were thrilled. I had transitioned from
full time teaching to full time at home.
So many wonderful changes. Just
returned a week ago from a trip of a lifetime – 2 weeks in Ireland – I was
living the dream. Then things changed on
September 30th…
…I had gone in for a routine appointment. This being our first baby and just returning
from vacation, I went alone – told my husband there was no need for him to
attend the appointment. Just routine.
I went in praying that the doctor would assure me that
my extreme nausea would decrease – that had been a pain during traveling. But
it was all worth it after all – I was so excited for the little one that was
due to arrive in April. God was going to bless us with this precious little
one.
So I went. I
sat and waited. Went in to see the
doctor. I was brought into the
ultrasound room, oblivious. I had no
idea what was happening. Then the doctor
told me that there was no heartbeat. The
pictures on the ultrasound led him to believe I had a molar pregnancy and he
explained it to me, although I could hardly take in what he was saying.
“1 in 1000 pregnancies occur this way” he said. “I see about one a year” he added. My head was spinning. I couldn’t wait to get
out of the office. He even said the dreaded word “cancer” – some women develop
a treatable form of cancer from this type of pregnancy – where the cysts that
develop can travel through the bloodstream and go to other areas of the
body. I sat with a scheduler to schedule
surgery as soon as possible. They couldn’t
reach my husband.
The rest is a blur.
I remember going to the hospital and in the pre surgery area, hearing a
baby cry. My mind couldn’t think about
the pain of that family whose baby was getting prepped for surgery – my pain
and my loss was heavy on my mind. Years
later, I pray for that little one who is now a grown one – I pray he/she is well
and I pray for those parents who had a little one who needed surgery.
I remember a friend who brought us a meal – even though
it was just the two of us at home – she brought a feast to us – such a blessing
– so thankful for her modeling this – to minister in physical ways to hurting
people.
I remember getting to know women around the country
who were grieving loss on an internet website – and later getting to meet some
of them – they encouraged me day to day – what a blessing and I can still
communicate with them as all of our families have grown over the years.
I remember going to get blood work week after week –
the same lady being there to take my blood – the doctors were watching to make
sure there were no more cysts in the bloodstream by watching my hCG
levels. I am so grateful that I never
developed cancer – God’s grace and blessing.
And I thank God for the lady who took my blood work week after week – she
saw my grief and my tears. And 1 year
later she rejoiced with me when I came in for blood work after conceiving our
son Will. I can very clearly see her face and the room and the chair I sat in
so often.
I remember the sweet grace the Lord bestowed on our
marriage as we grieved together – not always easy as all individuals grieve
differently – God was so good to bind us together in that grief.
I remember 2001 when I miscarried on October 1st
– what was it with that date? Grief
knocked on my door again just after 9/11’s tragedy. I thanked God for our son Will who was now 1
year old to care for and grieved that second little one who had gone to Heaven
earlier than I had desired.
I have encountered a lot of October 1sts
since then. God is good and
faithful.
Praise
be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and
the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can
comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For
just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort
abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and
salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you
patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is
firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you
share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Over the years, I have seen God’s faithfulness at
taking the comfort He gave me through His Word, through His Holy Spirit,
through His people who walked alongside me.
As I grew closer to the Lord through this grief, He gave me work to do
for His glory – He put people on my path and a ministry in the church we
attended to give me work to do to encourage other ladies who were hurting. God is so good and faithful. Abundantly good.
And now I sit at my computer, a quiet house because
our 3 earthly children are at school right now.
Ages 11, 13, and 15. I praise and
thank the Lord for these great gifts He has given to my husband and to me. And I ponder what it will be like when I
enter heaven and meet the 4 children that were spared from the sin of this
world that I never got to meet. We have experienced
4 losses and through each loss, the Lord has taught me and grown me closer to
Him. I enjoy sharing with our earthly
children about the 4 surprise siblings they have in Heaven. It will be a great day when I can meet my
Lord and Savior and then meet the children that I never held. It will be a great big mama bear hug. A group huddle of joy and love – all thanks
to my Savior the Lord Jesus.
And why do I sit here and write this to share with
you? First of all, please be encouraged
that God takes the junk that comes from the sin in our world and He works it
out for His good and for His glory, which in turn is also good for those who
seek His face and know Him.
And
we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those
who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also
predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be
the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also
called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified
he also glorified. Romans 8:26-30
Secondly, I seek to encourage those of you who have
experienced/are experiencing grief – especially the grief of a little one. This grief can be misunderstood in our culture
– our culture values people who show success – our culture values money,
success, good health, good outside body image, making a difference on the
outside to the world. Our culture does
not value life from conception. These
moms and dads who grieve little ones, grieve the opportunities and hopes of
how they imagined their life to be in the future. I still sometimes ponder what life would be
like now with a junior in high school – was it that older sister my daughter
has often wanted? Would it be another
tall basketball player,?
A musician? These
ponderings are normal and I don’t ponder these things all that often this many
years later – but it was very tough in the early years to not ponder the future
that I had imagined, and to grieve the loss of that future – these things are normal, be encouraged you parents who
are still heavy in grief.
Thirdly, I seek to educate those of you who are wanting
to understand friends who are grieving, especially infant loss. I encourage you to bring a meal, offer to
babysit kids at home to give that mom a break, send a card to encourage her
(and her husband). Pray and ask God for
the right words, the right actions. A
hug and I am sorry goes such a long way – for deep friendships, an “I love you
and I am sorry you are suffering” is a great way to encourage. Ask God to guard your mouth from hurtful
words. And remember moms and dads won't stop grieving or missing until they get to their eternal home. Don't put a timeline on grief.
Lastly, I encourage any of you who are in a trial –
and if you are not now, you have just come out of one or you are heading into
one in the days to come. We all have
trials – keep your eyes on the Lord and His goodness – get into His Word – it is
salve for your soul – He is so good and faithful. I have seen this faithfulness and testify it
right now.
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:21
