Tears in the Journey

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD. Jeremiah 29:11-14

It's been 11 years. Eleven years ago yesterday I went for a routine OB appointment after a great vacation with my husband to find out there was no heartbeat. Eleven years ago today I had a D&C and it was confirmed that I had a partial molar pregnancy and could develop cancer from the molar pregnancy. It was 11 years ago that my tears were full of grief and pain and worry.

Nine years ago today my eyes were full of grief and pain again. I miscarried again. The same time of year as the first loss. It was hard. I was so thankful for the little one year old we had who kept me racing around the yard after him, but there was still a lot of pain and tears.

Here I am in 2009. We've experienced two more times where we've lost little ones and experienced those tears of pain and tears of confusion - we have asked so many "why" questions of God. Yet, over these now 11 years, we've been blessed with 3 wonderful births which brought tears of joy. We are abundantly blessed with the 5, 7, & 9 year old at our home. God is so faithful
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And as I've journeyed on this road, I've shed tears for ladies I've known who are grieving - and tears for many ladies whom I've never met. Tears have been shed over their pain and over my desire for them to see God's faithfulness and the healing balm of God's Word as He has shown me. I still shed those tears for ladies today. I praise God that He keeps me sensitive to that pain of those ladies.

So today as my tears fall, I am overwhelmed with tears of joy - not only for our three children here on earth - not only that I have 4 or more surprises in heaven waiting for me to meet one day - but also tears of joy for what God has taught me - how He has molded me through those losses - how He has given me the opportunity to encourage hurting women and their families through a ministry at church.

Yes, over the years there have been many tears. Praise God that He bottles our tears and that He will take the ashes of our lives and turn them towards beauty - eternal beauty. So today I praise Him for this journey that I've now walked on for 11 years and look towards the rest of the journey He has for me and for our family. He is so faithful.

Here is a video of Crystal Lewis singing "Beauty for Ashes" - a song that ministered greatly to my heart in 1998 and encourages me today.